It doesn’t matter how terrifying or monstrous or deadly you make your eldritch monster, there’s gonna be a person who hauls themselves out of the sewers to tell you that they will personally fuck it.
This post has so many notes and it’s mostly people calling out their friends for being sewer-dwelling awful cryptid fuckers and I love it. Expose them.
My mother’s guests’ son showed up wearing high-waisted black tights, a crop top, and body glitter. I have been desperately searching through my closet for my “GAY” NASA shirt because I do not wish to be so grandiosely out-gayed in my own home.
Did you out-gay him, son?
No. I can’t find my shirt!!!! This calls for desperate measures… time to break out the unseasonably warm Denim Jacket With Rainbows Pouring From The Nipples and High-Waisted Jeans.
It’s 8 PM and I wanted to change into my Data Star Trek Pajamas but those aren’t gay enough.
God dammit! Nowhe’s playing some kind of bubbly Carly Rae Whatshername pop. What do I do??? How do I relaliate….? Is Janelle Monae enough to save me? Joan Jett? Lads, I don’t think I’m gonna win this one.
Update: his mom inadvertently tipped the scale a little in my favor by saying, “Oh, nice jacket! Jake, come look at this jacket, you’ll love it!” and then I got to explain that I painted it myself:
I don’t think Janelle Monae helped much because the only songs of hers I have downloaded onto my phone are the ones about robots. I know robots are gay culture and all, but does he know that???
But then he pulled ahead of me by striking a pose in my dining room and I swear to god, his thigh muscles rippled like Glittery Gay Gaston. Ugh.
SCORE!!!! I switched to playing MIKA and moonwalked aggressively down the hallway and his own grandmother stepped out of the bathroom and said, “Oh, I thought you were Jake!”
Clearly she mistook my powerful gay energies for his, because we could not look more different.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Time to Sit In A Chair Funny.
You know what?
He wins. He’s out here living his best life while I gave up using dating apps because I wanted to divert my emotional energy into making YouTube skits about noir detectives who eat cigarettes.
Like ABBA said, the winner takes it all. I guess that means I’m straight now.
are…are gay people cats?
Where did you get that idea?
This entire thing is beautiful
Does this mean we don’t get to seethe Data pajamas?
They’ve got detachable footies, but I did not want to dirty those on a convention floor.
Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make the happy chemical, you lump of fuck.
did you do the thing with lying unconscious for 8 hours
i like where this person is going with this, but it’s also wrong.
cats aren’t mimicking human infant cries when they meow. Why would they do that? How would they even know if they’ve never met a human infant? You know when cats meow that doesn’t involve humans? To their babies. Their kittens mewl and they meow back, until the kittens can open their eyes and learn the non-vocal and sub-vocal cat language cues.
Cats don’t meow to us because they’re trying to manipulate us into thinking they’re our babies. Cats meow to us because they suspect that we’re just big, bumbling babies that Need Some Extra Help Communicating.
You know when many cats, including my own, stop meowing at humans? When you learn what non-vocal language cues they recognize, and use those to communicate instead. One of the cues best known by humans is the slow-blink of warmth and respect.
I’m glad I found this, because this is probably why my cat talks to me as much as she does.
She used to be a mother, before she came home with me. So it makes hella sense.
When I go outside, she watches through the window and makes a little ‘meep’ sound when I walk back in, or longer mews, probably asking where I’ve been. She also likes to alert me after she jumps on me, with a meow.
One of her non verbal things is getting behind me then putting her claws in my back to make me sit back so she can lay on me.
my mom just came to me and ranted about how everyone is making this facebook status that says, “raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree”. she was so baffled by this because she said, “you were pretty easy to raise as teenagers. all you did was sleep and eat.”
so to prove some point she’s going to nail a small cup of jello to a tree.
she’s so pleased with her self
incredible
parents are weird
yeah but this is about as accurate as it gets.
you say “nail jello to a tree” and most people think jello all by itself.
but if you put any actual thought into what you’re doing and then give it just a little support
valar apologist 