lapush-baby:

Twilight characters as John Mulaney quotes

Edward: THAT’S SOMETHING IM SENSITIVE ABOUT.

Bella: I think Emily Dickinson was a lesbian.

Emmett: why are people always shushing animals? They’ve never spoken.

Jasper:  See, I just don’t think babies like me very much. Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.

Carlisle:  My wife said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

Alice:  I was 18 years old, I looked like I was 11. I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time.

Feel free to add to this!