some things i didn’t expect from my reread of LotR

fidelishaereticus:

– Lots of feelings for Boromir like,……i just want Glorfindel to have gone on the fellowship and fOR THEM TO HAVE BEEN BROS ;____; (this only works with like fanon glorf prob not tolkien’s actually)

–Elrond Such Wisdom Very Advice Wow being all “o ya um there should be 9 ppl in the company cuz like….there are nine wraiths. seems legit. i was gonna send glorfindel but nah, ten is not the magic number and these hobbits want to go so??? ther u are” like OF ALL THE ARBITRARY??? and gandalf and everyone else concurring “ya sounds legit” (i get it it’s mythological but MANNN THIS IRRITATES ME)

– Aragorn SASS MASTER, operating at at least 75% DONE at all times, wow

-i somehow forgot the dick-waving contest at the Council. i remembered it had been a shitshow but WHOOOOBOY

–Legolas BEING A LITTLE BITCH IN THE SNOWSTORM OMFG *slams book shut*

– being annoyed at hobbits THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME even tho i love them and like, really, not just pippin, fucking all of them like SAM DON’T BUILD A FIRE HERE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD????

–falling in love with Saruman in that chapter about his Voice and DEMANDING AN AU WHERE SARUMAN COMES DOWN FROM DOUCHE TOWER AND IS WEIRD GRUMPY HIGH-AS-BALLS UNCLE FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES (why can’t i have nice things? like, the good guys always have to give the bad guys the opportunity to repent but THEY NEVER FUCKING take them up on it??? is this just a ritualistic gesture or?????) 

– “the tall green man”

-FARAMIR being a FUCKING TROLL WHATTT

– shipping Shagrat/Gorbag. SHAGBAG. (the two orcs Sam overhears discussing Frodo’s body, among other things) TH-THEY JUST WANT TO GO OFF AND LIVE IN A CABIN IN THE WOODS TOGETHER YOU GUYS ;____; LET THEM BE HAPPY

– giving a fuck about Sauron and Shelob’s relationship and wanting fic for this??? woooow i did not expect that paragraph SHE IS HIS CAT

– the narrator’s servant/master kink being STRONGER THAN MY OWN like wat the fuck might wanna get that checked (srsly tho the whole Service As Virtue thing but to the point of almost skeeving me out i DID NOT EXPECT THIS??? thought this was my jam???)

–gollum/smeagol’s relationship with frodo breaking my heart but for different and more reasons than i remembered (it kills me that groveling servitude is like…..smeagol’s only “good” mode and his one shot at redemption?? idk idk its weird man. he can’t even conceive of a relationship where he has a non-murderous rapport with someone as anything other than a power dynamic where he’s nice to them because they are his Master and have Control over him and Speak for Him or he Worships them or some shit??(also how he has a rapport wth Shelob apparently)? likes all relationships are flattened to extreme power dynamics and hMMMMM I WONDER WHERE THAT CAME FROM)

-there were a lot more but this is what i remember. we just got past the spider