Things my lecturers said in my first semester of uni

* “Im trying to convince you this is a real science”

* “We were at a military test site littered with wrecked planes and tanks and we’re like ‘we wanna hit some rocks with projectiles’” “so we shot projectiles at 21cm/s, the sandstone was sand”

* “So we jumped the fence and stole some rocks. We were carrying clipboards, no one questions you when you’re carrying a clipboard”

* “And finally: a big pile of shit” “I was spoilt for choice of what type of shit to put in front of you”

* *drops down onto stomach to mimic lizard posture*

* “They’re the horny dinosaurs”

* “Thighbone or scrotum?”

* “I am really a 12 year old child”

* “Not last year, last week. It’s been a long semester”

* “These things are bloody great! Weirdest organisms ever”

* “So lucky we still have snails”

* “Palaeomagicians”

* “There’s some frantic hoovering going on”

* “Plate tectonics giveth and plate tectonics taketh away”

* “Take home message is ‘study for the bloody exam!’”

* “Am I really gonna do this?” *breaks out into the galaxy song from Monty python’s the meaning of life*

* “Buy a bike, plant a tree, don’t breathe”

* “Do you know there are websites called the flat earth society?!”

* “We don’t go back in time in this class”

* “So you’re saying not all animals do it in the dark like we do?”

* *brings actual radioactive material into class*

* “‘Hot stuff!’ That must be about you POD!”

* “We’re gonna be doing sex and drugs” “and rates of change”

* *massive audio distortion over the speakers* “we’re hearing god”

* “Can you smell fire? It’ll be alright”

* “Interesting story about viagra”

* “No wonder I’ve got blood pressure, I need to be on viagra”

* “A lot of older people drink like that – like I do – every night. Teaching this class is driving me to drink”

* “Apart from his fetish for gardening”

* “Die die die”

* “Oh! Its [redacted], the windows are sealed shut!”

* “Now we’re going to look at a lot of internet memes”